Well, time passed. Like it tends to do. And the future became the past. And the unknowns resolved themselves into daily habits. Ben and I lived in a hotel and grew restless like the cats. And then we somehow found a place that didn’t require a construction project for me to use. And had a porch and spare room. The only problem is the high cost of rent. And living in a neighborhood of families and retirees.

I must admit, through the whole process of finding a place to live I compared my old needs to my new requirements and built up an entire complex architecture of frustration and resentment. Disability ages you in this way: half of me wants to live in a small, somewhat broken shack by the beach in a neighborhood of similarly-minded young people also crammed into humble lodgings. I want to smell the ocean and ride my trike to the surf break. But. All those places we saw had stairs. And narrow hallways. And bathrooms I couldn’t roll into. All the charming old places are built for humans without limitations. So, instead, we live in a development. With huge tiled master baths that also happen to accommodate wheelchairs. But this still feels like putting on a fur coat. I know my living situation hugely affects my mood and my sense of self. I felt living in a hotel for a month grind me down. So how do I rescue myself from this?

Well, that’s honestly me being overly dramatic. I do love our new place. And the ease (I can enter the garage! I have so much room to maneuver!). And I am grateful. It’s not perfect and the priorities I have now I haven’t quite learned how to own. But the cats are uniformly happy. And the two car garage fits a huge amount of gear.

I think the stumbling block that hurts the most is the issue of money. I used to pride myself on not needing much. And now, over and over, I see myself as having problems that are predominantly an issue of money. And I resent this trend. And I miss the privilege of needing less. Maybe this is why I enjoy working on the road trip van so much with Ben. This is a chance, on our terms, to create a space that I can use. And it’s a small enough project that we can afford it.