The Thanksgiving post

I miss my Thanksgivings in the desert. The perfect pairing of body-destroying physical activity and an ambitious feast. I loved the challenge of it. I loved the perfection of making so much food and then eating it as the climbing trip progresses. Turkey sandwiches on the summit! I don’t even know how to make a turkey unless it’s in a pit in a campground surrounded by coals and tents and climbing gear. This year I didn’t make one. I also didn’t make a single side dish. I spent the holiday reliving all my memories from this time of year: the early trips to Joshua Tree, my last trip to Red Rocks. I miss my friends — too many of whom I see only rarely — and the single-minded rhythm of climbing trips. I also took a long, beautiful bike ride along the coast.

thanksgivingride2This year I learned how to take. I’ve always been the independent goal-setter and the stubborn wanderer. But this year I’ve needed a lot and have been given a lot. I learned how to talk down the inner voices of ego and pride. Accepting help is not easy for me… but I understand to accept is a gift to the person offering. I’ve spent so much time thanksgivingride1taking and asking — physically and financially. And when you’re in a wheelchair, you constantly attract helpful attention. I am working on building a thicker skin. So far, still, a single person asking me if I’m OK and if I need help while I’m going to my car will ruin my mood. I want to break that narrative.

So, to take charge of my role, to flip the tables, I signed up to volunteer at a church dinner for the poor and homeless. I helped and cleaned and tried to navigate the whole affair without awkwardness. I was asked only once if I wanted a plate — and then the person nearby said no, she’s a volunteer. I guess this is my way of proving to myself that yes, I still have a lot to give. I have a lot to be grateful for. And, in part, it is my response to the political climate right now.

One thought on “The Thanksgiving post

  1. Nadya

    Dear Alinochka, i have not read your posts for awhile. thank you for sharing your world, for sharing your search. Your sharing made me aware how I am sometimes can impact and trigger people when i offer sympathy and help on autopilot. i am working on giving up my pride every day, and it never stops..:) the only way to get out of your head is to be out there for others. That is exactly what you never know how many miracles you create by posting what you are dealing with. i am grateful for knowing you: who you are to me is a beautiful human being! Praying for your speedy recovery and hoping to see you in Princeton sometime soon.


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