This is going to be another post without much action. The action posts will happen. But for now I want to try to document another change I’ve noticed. It may have been since the diving trip. It’s hard to say starting when, but my mind has been at ease recently. On the anniversary of my fall I wrote that my adjustment to life after SCI felt entirely physical. My mind was lagging behind. But a switch happened. There used to be more anguish. More moments of panic and regret. I can’t say it has been easy every day. And the hard days I will remember for a while. But the recent ease — into something closer to the consistent old happiness —  is worth writing down.

Acceptance is a funny word. It does not mean giving up, as I initially thought. And there are degrees of acceptance. I am learning to push forward with less fear. Especially less fear in the quiet moments, when you’re not rushing to the next activity and you don’t have a plan.

It didn’t happen because I’m walking on crutches or because I think I’m close to recovery. The longer I spend doing this, the longer the road looks. It is probably infinitely long, But I have finally accepted that I’m here and my reality has a much different shape and focus than I ever imagined as a kid. But it will be no less interesting.

I’m slowly letting go of the tight reigns on “progress.” After a year of endless pool laps, slow bike rides, and vacations to rehab centers, I’m ready to compromise. I have a difficult relationship with adaptive sports. I haven’t been interested in activities that don’t exercise my legs. This greatly limited my choices. But finding happiness is finding that balance, which is different for each person, between investing in the future and investing in the moment. I have reached the limit of how long I can live doing strictly future useful things. Yes, tracking progress and optimizing recovery brings me joy. But I’m ready for something frivolous, too.

So I’m going skiing. And I’m planning a Spring break trip to learn how to paraglide. Coincidentally, the adaptive paragliding center is near Salt Lake, UT and I can sneak in lots of rehab at Neuroworx at the same time. (So not entirely frivolous, but a compromise.)