I’ve been on a hunt for new things to try. Because nothing I’ve done with my body in the past has prepared me for what could be good now. I know this is the perfect opportunity to explore and to keep my mind completely open.

So I have a list. I’m visiting an adaptive riding center. I started planning a trip to go scuba diving for the winter holiday break. I just tried archery. The free, adaptive class in Santa Cruz was wonderful. I think the best part was the instructor… the kind of sincere, gruff archery nerd who gave me as much shit as the next guy. I miss being treated equally by strangers. Mostly I have to fend off kindness. I’ve been thinking about how I tense up in the pool changing room, every time. Because I’m not accompanied by a caretaker all the nice ladies ask if I need help. Right now I have a routine and a bench a locker. I go through the steps with a deliberate, brisk air. But that still doesn’t do enough. I guess I don’t understand how to reconcile the two things: on one hand, people are kind and I should focus on their good intentions. On the other hand, it systematically undercuts my sense of independence and self-worth every time. Do I look so vulnerable? Do they need to remind me again that I’m different? Not to mention all the strange, funny behaviors: mothers grabbing their children so they don’t run near me; changers giving me all of the bench (no, you don’t need to move all your stuff across the locker room); women panicking when they come out of the handicap stall and I’m waiting. Today, a lady on crutches tried to open the door for me. We could barely get around each other. I think I must have said “I’m sorry” ten times. It doesn’t get easier.

The only solution I can think of is exposure. The teacher of adaptive archery had seen enough diversity to be able to treat me normally. How do we replicate this for everyone? For me, what helped a lot was Instagram. Don’t laugh. That site made it exquisitely easy for me to find a large number of people posting images of their adaptive lifestyles. I found SCI patients doing yoga and aerial silks and cross fit. I saw so many images of people in wheelchairs, or with prosthetics, or those developmentally different. Being exposed to these images, over and over, helped me accept myself. I got used to looking at my strange paralyzed toes because of social media. And if I can do that, the people in grocery stores and changing rooms can learn, too.

Above is the first picture of me in my wheelchair that I’ve publically shared. This is still hard for me (i cropped it).